Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Phone Fanny Fiasco

I wrote this blog a few months back and never published it. Simon said he was alright with me posting it but I never did, just to save him some face. However, I think this blog is a perfect picture of his character and crazy ways. I think he would want us all to have a good laugh over the events in this blog. So, enjoy and remember that crazy, purple skinned, red headed guy who we all love so much.

It was one of those days yesterday where I was feeling irritable, attention-seeking and just down right bratty. My clothes fit like a sausage casing, the cats were looking at me wrong and even though it was a lovely day, the sun shone in my eye in a way that was unforgivable. Which of course meant that even though my husband could do nothing right to save his life, I wanted his full, doting and undivided attention.

In an attempt to distract from my foul mood, Simon and I decided to sit down and watch some TV. I was curled up next to him in his soft robe and long underwear when he attempted to make a phone call. Wrong move on his part. He was supposed to be spending time with ME! So, I did what any reasonable, mature adult woman would do in my situation: I took his phone hostage.

Naturally, he tried to pry his phone out of my hand. Not being able to get it free from my death grip, the situation quickly evolved into a full blown wrestling match on the couch. Arms and legs were flying and bending in unnatural contortions. Panting and huffing, I managed to get the phone safely under my ass. Given the weight advantage of my posterior, he was unsuccessful in freeing the phone from beneath me. In attempt to gain some leverage in the fight, Simon jumped up and grabbed MY phone.

"Ooooh," I taunted, "You really got me now!"

As a reply to this, he slowly moved my phone toward the waist band of his long underwear.

"NO! Do NOT put that down your pants!" I cried.

"Then give me back my phone." He calmly requested.

"No." I hedged. I had upped the ante and I knew it but I wasn't ready to give up the fight just yet. Simon then proceeded to drop his pants, lift his robe and put my phone dangerously close to his butt.

"NO!" I screamed, "Don't fart on my phone!"

"Then give me back my phone." He again requested. He had me. Check mate. Almost.

"Fine. You give me mine first and then I will give you yours." I offered.

"Hell no!" He replied, seeing right through my plan. We stayed that way for a good minute, me sitting on his phone and mine within inches of a stink blast. We had ourselves a good, old fashioned stand off. As a tumble weed blew past us, I decided it was time to make my move. I lunged toward my phone with a near miss only to watch as he shoved it between his butt cheeks. Yes, ladies and gents, we are talking BARE butt cheeks. I watched in horror as my pretty purple phone sat squarely planted between his buns like a shiny, metal thong. I couldn't move. I couldn't breath.

"Whaaaa-!? You just- OH MY GOD! You didn't! OH MY GOD, you just- WHAAAAA-?!" I stuttered.

He stared back at me over his shoulder with an equally shocked expression. "I don't know! I just panicked! OH MY GOD!"

I slowly stood up and left the room. I started up the stairs to our bedroom where I laid face down on my pillow. A few seconds later he came into the room.

"I can't even look at you!" I cried, "You desecrated my phone!"

"Well you should have given mine back like I asked!" He replied as he extended his hand toward me with my phone in it.

"Get that thing away from me!" I screamed, "I won't touch it until you disinfect it!"

After being given a thorough cleaning with wet wipes, mouth wash and a few other household cleaners, I finally accepted the phone back and returned his. We sat in silence for a few minutes when he finally spoke.

"I am sorry I put your phone in my butt."

"So am I." I whispered, "You have no idea."

I am not sure if this experience brought us closer together or if it was a buzz brought on by all the cleaners, but we hugged and giggled. I don't think this was what they meant when they said that marriage would provide challenges and experiences like nothing else. I guarantee that this was not covered in any of our premarital classes. All I do know is that I will be promptly changing his ring tone to "The Thong Song."

Monday, May 23, 2011

Pissed Off Rage Rant

Limp Bizkit's song "Break Stuff" is my anthem today and I listened to it on repeat today on the way home from work. Mr Bizkit's eloquent words seem to fit my mood perfectly today: "Its just one of those days when you don't want to wake up, everything is fucked and everybody sucks. You don't really know why but you want to justify ripping someones head off."

For the past five days, while my husband is in the hospital, I have been trying to manage working, taking care of four cats and now a new puppy who I didn't really want to get in the first place. He is a darling animal and good for a puppy but I have to watch him like a hawk, making sure I have an eye on him constantly so that he doesn't piss and shit on the floor or start chewing on something he shouldn't. Simple, everyday tasks such as going to the bathroom and making dinner is now twelve times more complicated. Forget relaxing, I am on constant puppy patrol. Additionally, I have had to rely on the generous favors of others to let him out potty while I am at work.

Then there is finances. I have missed days of work due to Simon's hospitalization which have tipped our already stressed budget into a scary state. And being in the hospital, he is unable to work as well. I hate taking vacation days to cover my absences because I am trying to save them up for a trip we have planned in January - a trip that I am stressing about paying for given the current shape of our finances. I had the opportunity to work a double shift today which would have given a nice relief to the financial tension. However, I had to pass that up because why? Oh, that's right. I had to come home and take care of that damn puppy I didn't think was a good idea in the first place.

On top of that, Simon is physically ready to be discharged from the hospital but is sitting around waiting for special financing to help pay for is $2,000.00 a month prescription he can't leave the hospital without. So, there he sits while our life is wrapped up in red tape and paperwork. Frustrating doesn't begin to describe it. Meanwhile, I am stuck crunching numbers while chasing around a puppy, four cats and wondering when something is going to finally give.

Then there is the other casual worries I have regarding Simon and his health. Sure, he might be feeling better for the time being but I can't help but wonder when that will change, as it has been doing swiftly and without warning lately. It is super fun to be constantly on edge, worrying when we get to start the whole hospital routine where I get to experience more fear and anxiety all over again. You know, the whole "Oh my God, is he going to die? Are they going to be able to figure it out this time?" song and dance.

Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine and some french-cries with my hamburger. I would also like someone to call a whaaaamulence to take me away. Welcome to my sorry-ass pity party. So, enough about me. How are you today?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Baby Banana Bliss

Today was a very, very special day in my life. At work, as I was gazing upon the patient snack basket, I beheld the single most adorable fruity sight in my lifetime: a tiny, darling miniature banana. I pointed it out to one of the patients and said, "Ooooooooh! Isn't that the sweetest, most darling thing you have ever seen?? I have to take a picture of it!" To that, the patient replied, "Are you sure you should be working here? You can have my room if you want because I think YOU have gone bananas!" I snatched up that cute little yellow munchkin so that he wouldn't get eaten. I had to save his life and bring him into mine. And yes, I took a picture of him. You can see his petite-ness next to a regular size banana in this picture:

I decided that I HAD to keep him. He was far too much of a horticultural wonder to end up in a toilet as someones poo. I named him Baby Banana Bliss. I call him Bliss for short because that is what I felt in my heart the moment I laid eyes on his precious, teeny yellow body.

Me and Bliss (I made my poor coworker take this shot of us):

I tucked him safely away in my purse and at the end of the night, I brought him to my car and secured him carefully for the trip home.

Once home, I introduced him to my husband and kitties. I think he is fitting in great so far! Here he is, kickin' it with Peanut:

It was a long day and Bliss was exhausted but very happy to have a special new place to call home. Here he is cuddling with my husband, Simon:

I know our time together may be short but my love for Baby Banana Bliss will live on forever in my heart.

I love you, Baby Banana Bliss!!!!