Sunday, June 26, 2011

Only when its darkest...

So, I went and picked up my husband's ashes, death certificates and coat that he wore for the wake/funeral. It is so strange to think that everything I physically loved about him has been reduced to the contents of and ten by six inch black box. It is actually a lot heavier than I expected it to be. I guess I didn't really know what to expect. I plan to take a trip to fulfill Simon's wishes of having his ashes spread into the Pacific ocean in San Francisco where his father's ashes were spread. But what do I do with them until then? Do I put them up on the mantel above the fireplace, on a bookshelf, his side of the bed or in a closet?

Ashes. Hmmmm...it is just so strange. His body is now ashes. It is his body but not him. All these esoteric ponderings I seem to find myself in lately. Physical versus spiritual. Here versus "there" (where ever that is). I am trying to wrap my head around his new world in comparison to mine. I wonder about all that is unseen and all the things I don't understand about his new world. At the same time, I am so much more acutely aware of the physical world around me: colors seem more vibrant, I notice more subtle scents and physical sensations. I feel almost hyper sensitive to it all. I am not sure what the meaning of this is. All I know is that it is confusing, comforting, heart-wrenching, annoying and stupid all at the same time.

I was looking through the pockets of Simon's jacket that I picked up from the funeral home. The contents consisted of a few receipts, gum wrappers and a fortune from a fortune cookie. The fortune was an interesting one and knowing Simon (who was the eternal optimist), I can see why he saved it. It read: "Only when it becomes darkest can you see the stars." The past week or so has be particularly difficult for me. I've been feeling really sad and lonely a lot. I miss Simon and not having him here makes me feel so lonely. I've been wanting to sleep a lot and isolate myself from the world. I know that while I feel lonely that I am not alone. I am blessed with incredible people in my life. But still, when it is quiet and I am alone, that is the time it hits me the hardest. For me in this process of grieving and life reorientation, it certainly gotten the darkest I think it can get. At times I think I can see a hint of shimmer in the sky but I guess I am still waiting for the stars to fully come out.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Who?

Who is going to wake me up and comfort me when I am crying out during a bad dream?
Who is going to remind me that I am lovable and special?
Who will surprise me with breakfast in bed?
Who is going to understand me when I am struggling with my difficult issues?
Who am I going to talk to when I can't sleep at night?
Who is going to make me laugh like you did?
Who will pester me to get out of the house when I am feeling like a shut-in?
Who is going to love our kittens as much as we did together?
Who is going to take me for motorcycle rides?
Who am I going to call everyday on my break at work?
Who is going to be "Chief of Engineering" at our house?
Who will be so patient with my control freak tendencies?
Who will warm up my feet when they are cold?
Who will cook me pork chops and rice-a-roni?
Who is going to make up and sing songs about how much they love me?
Who am I going to cuddle with when I am feeling lonely?
Who can I send adorable pictures of our kitties to?
Who will I watch and talk about Ghost Hunters with?
Who is going to care so much about what I am needing at any given point in time?
Who is going to build a volcano in our back yard?
Who can I talk to about my day when I get home from work?
Who will want to go visit the animals at the humane society with me?
Who will I be able to share our inside jokes with?
Who is going to pray with me before going to sleep at night?
Who is always going to help me look at the positive side of things?
Who will leave half consumed cans of coke around the house?
Who will ever love me as much as you?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Dear Simon

Dear Simon,

It has been almost three weeks since you died. So strange, the way it feels like the time has gone quickly but taken forever at the same time. I still think about you thousands and thousands of times every single moment I am awake. Everything I see reminds me of you in some way - even the strange little things like ice chips, peonies and motorcycles.

I still miss you so much. I feel like I am caught between the world of the living and dead. I watch as the rest of the world goes about their lives as if nothing has happened. I definitely don't feel apart of that existence. I also feel so tied to you. I wonder where you are, what you might be doing, seeing and what you look like. I wonder how you are feeling and if you have a greater understanding of life and the world that once was your home. I wonder if you think of me and if you can see me. Do you hear me when I talk to you?

You will be happy to know that they are finally filling in the pot holes in our neighborhood. I remember how you would bitch about that with the same fierce intensity each and every time we got in the car to go somewhere. You would love how the garden looks. Linda and my mom took over planting where you left off and I added my decorative touches that I think you would love. I have been watering that garden every single day. I have not mowed the yard yet. You know how much my butt puckers at the thought of yard work of any kind. I suppose I am going to have to get over that or find some kid I can pay to do it for a few bucks.

The house, even though it has been busy with people coming and going, is so different without you here. It  is so eerie and strange. All of your things are still in their place, exactly like before you left. Your clothes, toothbrush, car, magazines and medicine are all evidence that you lived here but serve as a reminder that you will never be coming back. The kitties miss you like crazy, especially Paisley. She still walks around on your side of the bed looking for you. I can't say I blame her. I sometimes expect you to walk in the door at any moment and greet me with your usual "Hey, Babe!" I wonder when I am ever going to get used to this new life without you.

Everyday brings new feelings and memories. I am doing the best I can right now with all of it. I hope you know how much people still love, think about and talk about you. You made such a mark on this world and everyone who knew you. I miss you and wish I could hug you. I love you for ever and ever, amen.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Wandering

Now what? What now? My life had a path, a plan but along came a bomb that blew it all to pieces. I find myself wandering aimlessly around my house sometimes, not sure what I should be doing. I was married and widowed in less than 8 months. Now what? I just can't seem to put my finger on just what I am to be doing.

The people around me tell me that I am so strong and brave. But in reality, what choice do I have? I have to face this. I have to deal with it. If drinking wine from a sippy cup and smoking like a chimney is considered brave and strong, then I suppose I am. I however, feel lost. Waves of all different emotions wash over me when I least expect it. So far I have made an ass of myself in Rainbow Foods and at the AT&T store by breaking into random sobbing fits. In between the waves, I find myself numb but sad at the same time. Its like I am a cake. A numb cake with sadness frosting. I feel numb inside but the sadness is always sitting on my skin waiting to sink in and take over at any given moment.

I had an entire day of unexpected rage. I was so angry and so pissed off at the world and everything having to do with it. I found myself furious at Simon. How could he leave me like this? That asshole left me just when I truly least expected it. I wanted to take a baseball bat to every window and glass object in my house. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I am pretty sure that my homeowner's insurance doesn't cover damages caused by enraged, grieving widows.

Then there are other times when I miss him so badly that it physically hurts. My bones, muscles and joints ache with the agony of losing him and I would give anything to hear his voice or just hug him one more time. It almost feels like crying isn't enough. I am vibrating with grief and feel like I could explode with sheer loneliness. There is gaping hole in my soul that bleeds grief. Sometimes it trickles and other times it gushes. Simon was my best friend and not having him here feels like I've had a part of myself ripped away.

It just feels so unfair. A year ago at this time we were planning our wedding and our future together. We both knew that Simon's heart condition made his future uncertain but I think we both really believed we had more time. We didn't have lofty aspirations. We just wanted the kind of life that your average couple gets: fights, making up, time with family and friends and the experience of parenthood. Simon would have been an incredible father but I will never get the chance to see that unfold. It just doesn't seem right.

I miss him, our kitties miss him, his mom along with all of our family and friends miss him. He made our lives richer and better just for being who he is. There is a huge Simon-shaped hole inside all of us. I don't know what will ever fill that for me. I don't know how to begin healing that gaping wound. So, I guess I will just keep on wondering and wandering aimlessly until I somehow find a new direction.