Tuesday, August 30, 2011


When I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more in the world than to be a mermaid. I would slip a pillowcase over my legs and flop around on the floor like fish out of water. In my mind, I was the most beautiful creature beheld by land or sea. This was all before Little Mermaid was even a twinkle in the eye of Disney. I am still somehow convinced that if the filmmakers has seen me contorting my little body on the livingroom carpet, they would have been inspired to make the movie a decade sooner.

My love for water has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Whether it was a swimming pool, lake, puddle or simple glass of water, I was mysteriously drawn to it. I remember standing at the bathroom sink playing in the water for hours. I loved the sound it made as it splashed, the way it looked as it dripped and swirled and the way it felt gliding over my hands. As soon as I was able to walk, my parents enrolled me in swimming lessons, which only fostered my connection with water.

Water is still a great source of comfort for me. I love to just sit near it, look at it and smell its sweet, distinctive fragrance. This is an especially powerful experience near the ocean. I love to stand on the shore, watching the waves rhythmically caress the sand and feel the salty water pulling on my feet as it glides back into the vast sea.  
However, nothing can compare to the feeling of being fully submerged in it. There is no sense of peace I have ever found like being completely suspended with nothing above or below me but cool, clear water. It is my ultimate utopia of freedom and tranquility, my own personal world where everything is just as it should be. It is quiet, calm and even the loudest sound is reduced to a soft, muffled hum.

I am the most present in my body when I am underwater. I feel connected to every thought and movement. Being underwater helps me slow down mentally and every move I make is purposeful. I am weightless and safe from any stress or outside influence. My body is the true definition of beauty and grace. Nothing wiggles or jiggles underwater. I am fluid and one with my surroundings. I maneuver with elegance as I twist and turn my body upside down, in summersaults and stretch my limbs in grand, sweeping motions. I glide gracefully like a ribbon of silk on a gentle breeze.

 To me, mermaids are the fairies of the water. Naturally, this makes me want to be one even more. Sometimes I still look down at my legs and try to will them to fuse together. Alas, I am destined to exist in this world as a two legged creature. I realize it is for the best as it would be significantly more difficult to navigate the solid terrain of everyday life with a giant fin. I would gladly settle for a strategically placed set of gils though. That way I could at least breathe underwater and experience my happy place for longer than the forty odd seconds I can hold my breath.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Celebrating 5,000 Hits!

Today I noticed that my blog has reached over 5,000 hits! Holy moly, I can hardly believe it! Could this be my little bloggie blowin' up the online universe? 5,000 is a lot of hits being that I only post a few blogs a month. Let's face it, when I started writing my blog on the first of the year, I thought I'd be lucky if my reader base consisted of my mom and possibly two or three bored prisoners.

I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my senseless ramblings via the interwebs. I am flattered, surprised and slightly disturbed that you folks actually enjoy my blog. I've gotten tons of great feedback and I appreciate it so much!

In addition to extending my gratitude, I'd also like to extend the invitation for suggestions on how you think I might make my blog an even better experience for people to read. However, please don't suggest I swear less or change the content to something more wholesome because that will never happen. But any other realistic ideas are very welcome!

Once again, thank you to my precious, wonderful, faithful readers. You are cherished deeply in my heart and I love you more than an emo kid loves skinny jeans!
A kiss from me to you! XOXOXO

Monday, August 22, 2011

Amish Paradise

"As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity." - Weird Al Yankovic - Amish Paradise

I can't help but hear this song in my head each time I make the drive to southern Minnesota to visit my mom and sister. They live in Lanesboro, MN (about an hour south of Rochester) and this region is densely populated with Amish folk. It isn't uncommon to be driving down the highway and encounter a horse-drawn buggy piloted by a lady in a black bonnet or man with an extra long beard. I find the whole notion of the Amish way of life completely bizarre. No electricity, no running water or indoor plumbing and the only singing allowed is in the form of a hymn. No drinking, smoking, dancing, premarital sex or anything related to fun. I think I'd rather join a convent. That way, at the very least, I could raid the stash of communion wine and find myself a lesbian lover.

My sister, Samantha works as deputy for Filmore County (AKA Amish County) and the number of stories she has about Amish offenders and law breakers makes me quiver with glee. One of my favorites is about the repeat DUI offender named something like Jedidiah Yoder. Did you know that it was possible to get into a hot pursuit chase in a buggy? Yep, that happened too. Then there are the Amish kids who throw huge keggers when their parents leave town to visit family in another state. Can you imagine it? Drunk little Amlettes falling off horses, stumbling around in the dark, puking in haystacks and having unprotected sex in the back of buggies. Sounds amazing and the only thing I find troublesome about this is the fact that I didn't get an invite.

Ummmm, what? I saw this in a local shop. It was handmade by an Amish chick. Pure lifestyle, my ass!
I recently made a trip to Amishland to visit my mom and celebrate her birthday with her. My mom is the proud inventor of the term "toodled" and has been using it for the past seventeen years as a way to make the term "drunk off your ass" sound sweet and innocent. I am proud to say that this year, my mom found herself in the adorable "toodled" state on her birthday. Being pocket-sized does not help one maintain sobriety very effectively. My mom was holding strong and matching me drink for drink...for about three glasses of wine. I continued on and left my mom in the drunken dust.

Just as my mom was about to pour herself another glass, my sister pulls up in her squad car. I took the opportunity to snap the following picture of her:

We had begun some casual chit-chat which naturally progressed to us making fun of our drunk mother. Suddenly, I got a brilliant idea. "Sam! Give us sobriety and breathalyzer tests!!"

My mom thought this was a great idea too. "Yes, that sounds like fun! Do you guys think I am drunk?" My mom asked innocently. She then proceeded to fail each and every test.
Blow harder, mom!

And it goes up...
Over the legal limit now!
Final stop at .083 = drunk momma!

I, on the other hand, can handle my liquor like a boss. I passed with flying colors.
Blowing like a pro
Someone get me the car keys, I am legal to drive!
 The fact that she failed the PBT test didn't phase my mom in the least. In fact, she proclaimed her self "the winner" because she got the highest number. Given the fact that it was her birthday, we let her believe that she was. Next time you blow into a PBT machine and fail, think of my mom. You tell that cop that you didn't break the law. No, you tell them that you are a winner! Then get into your buggy, "giddy-up" your horses and get the hell outta there because there is sure to be a field full of Amlettes looking for someone to show them how to really have a good time!
Cheers to the winner! Isn't she adorable??

Sunday, August 21, 2011

TIABM #1 (Things I Abhor Beyond Measure)

Dane Carlson is awesome. He happens to be the husband of a good friend, a brilliant writer and an all around awesome individual. Dane and I read each others blogs. If you have never read his stuff before, I am going to take the opportunity to pimp this inspired ho. Dane is firework, OK? Come on, watch his colors burst. "I Just Got It. And I Get It" is his blog and I highly suggest you check it out before I cut you.

Dane and I. Can you just smell the awesomeness?

As many of you know, I occasionally post a blog called "TILT (Things I Love and Treasure)" which is a short list of random things that have made me happy or smile in the recent past. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but what do you call it when someone blatantly rips you off? I'd call it the next best thing to being transported back to 1989 and getting some over the shirt action back stage from one of the New Kids on the Block. I'd like to personally thank Dane Carlson for being my proverbial Jordan Knight. Not only did Dane rip me off, but he made my blog idea even better! He changed TILT into TILWP (Things I Loathe With Pleasure) which is a short list of random things that he hates or simply annoy the piss out of him. Incredible.

I have been trying for the past several months to come up with a way to counter-rip off Dane. I have spent many sleepless nights trying to create something equally as brilliant. Since I am pretty lame, it has taken a long-ass time to figure something out. In a frustrated quest for inspiration, I even turned to Dane himself for suggestions. Being the ever self-less and giving person that he is, he offered to let me borrow and use his TILWP title. While I deeply appreciated the offer, I knew I had to take some sort of mental laxative to get the creative juices flowing and come up with my own damn idea. I am happy to report that after multiple glasses of wine, a handful of quaaludes and firm knock on the head from the tumble down a flight of stairs, I think I have it: "TIABM! Things I Abhor Beyond Measure!" OK. Maybe its not exactly literary gold, but its all I got, OK?

Think of TIABM as the naughty twin sister of TILT. Maybe she is less polished, sparkly and perky than TILT. Maybe she isn't popular with the jocks and preppy dudes but she can stand on her own. She is the darker, saucier sister who gets caught making out with the hot science teacher under the bleachers. She is the one we all turn our noses up at but secretly wish we could be. So, here it is: the launch of my very first TIABM blog post! Enjoy!

* Underwear that refuse to stay out of my butt crack.
* Melodramatic love songs (especially heinous if preformed by Celine Dion).
* Radishes.
* Golf (The only sport that inspires homicidal rage in me).
* People who chew with their mouth open.
* Finding dead animals on the street/sidewalk.
* Close-minded people.
* The smell of cat piss.
* The A&E show "Intervention." (It depresses me so much that I want to use drugs after watching it).
* Going to the gyno (however this sucks much less now that my gyno/doctor is also a good friend).

Monday, August 15, 2011

TILT #11 (Things I Love and Treasure)

For me, so much of the happiness I find in life is found in the simple and small things. One of the things I like to do from time to time is make a list of the things that have recently brought me joy and made me smile.

* Reconnecting with old friends
* Bonfires
* Coconut, a new found favorite flavor!
* Blogging
* Fireworks
* Painting - my newest hobby!
* Playing guitar (finally doing that again after months and months)
* My co-workers
* Watching my garden grow and flourish
* Sleeping with a fan on