Sunday, September 18, 2011

Has Anyone Ever Told You...

I have never been told that I resemble a celebrity. That is until Lindsay Lohan sprouted boobs and developed an adult face. ALL the time, people at work, in the grocery store, at restaurants and in line at the pharmacy would ask me the same question: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Lindsay Lohan?" A coworker even used to call me "Lindsay" on a regular basis. Initially, I was very flattered. She is a pretty girl and people thought I looked like her! Then she blossomed into a narcissistic, alcoholic brat and I just wasn't sure how I felt about people telling me how much I looked like her anymore. Regardless, it is hard to deny the resemblance between us and I have come to terms with the fact that looking like her does not make me like her...at least on a good day.
Kinda frightening, isn't it?
Then, a happy blessing appeared in the celebrity world. Her name is Emma Stone. You are likely to recognize her from the movies Easy A, Zombieland and most recently, The Help. The first person to tell me that I look like her is my friend Aimee. She was like, "I was watching the movie called House Bunny the other day. There is a girl in it and she looks so much like you. Her mannerisms and the way she talks is so much like you! Her name is Emma Stone."

I immediately jumped on the Google machine to find this Emma girl. I was delighted to discover that she is not only void of a sorted drug history, but that she is freakin' gorgeous! Now, before you start thinking I really do have the Lohan variety of narcissism, I actually had to do a handstand and cross my eyes before I could pick out any kind of resemblance.

I will let you be the judge. Please keep in mind that I am wearing nowhere near the amount of makeup that Emma is. Clearly, she is a Hollywood starlet and I am...well, me- an average Minnesota girl. Which of course means her beauty and glamor factor is much higher than my own. So, try to look past all that and see if you can find some similarities:


So, what do you think? I am still not totally convinced I resemble her in a major way. However, it was a good excuse to have some fun with trying to match up our pictures!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Speechless Speaker

Half of the world and most everyone who knows my name also know that I am in therapy for an eating disorder. Specifically, Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder. I have been in recovery for almost four years now and as I pubically announce on a regular basis, it has changed my life in everyway possible. I go to the Emily Program which is an individulaized treatment center for people eating disorders and body image issues. Again, I pimp out this program every chance I get - it is truly amazing. It is like God opened up the clouds and plopped down the Emily Program building on Como Ave in Saint Paul, Minnesota at just the perfect time for me.

I hardly even recognize myself sometimes these days. I think back to when I first started meeting with my therapist, Kate and I can not even believe how much work I have done - really hard work that consists of being very vulnerable, honest, introspective and fearless. I am very proud of how far I have come and I feel like a new person. No, actually, I finally feel like the person I have always been inside but who was burried under a huge load of insecurity, fear and counter-productive thinking.

Recently, during a therapy session, Kate asked me if I would be willing to be a speaker at Recovery Night which is held once a month at the Emily Program. Recovery Night is a night were clients come and listen to the inspirational stories of other people who are recovering from eating disorders. At each Recovery Night, one client is invited to get up and share their story. They want ME to share my story?? Wow. My first reaction besides being completely honored was total shock. Truth be told, I don't view myself as particularly inspirational and I really don't have the first clue as to what I would even say.

I did accept the invitation and I know that it will be a very positive experience for me. However, I still have no idea what to say or even where to begin. I want so much for my talk to be meaningful and inspirational, not a bunch of nonsensical psychobabble. How does a person sum up their epic story in twenty minutes or so? I am stumped, people. Any ideas? I would be most grateful if you could help a sister out and throw me a bone on this one!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Reasons To Be Child-free

In my younger days, I really wanted to have kids. Now, the older I get, the less and less I want them. In fact, there seem to be more reasons NOT to have kids than there are reasons to have them. My personal list of reasons not to have kids numbers into the hundreds. Here some of the highlights that inspire me to remain voluntarily barren.

#742 You can't swear all the fucking time. You really have to watch your damn language and that is really difficult for assholes like me.

#398 Two words: other parents.

#295 Just plain royally fucking it up all together and making a complete mess of the kid.

#784 Kids make you look like a giant douche bag with their unabashed public screaming fits. How can one two year old's voice be louder than a restaurant full of adults?

#823 Breastfeeding is unnatural. I just simply can't wrap my head (or boob) around it no matter how I try.

#526 If you don't have kids and are up until four am, its your own damn fault.

#612 Not having kids benefits your wardrobe greatly. Every piece of clothing you own will be free of someone else's vomit or excrement. (Again, your own damn fault if your clothes contains these substances).

#132 Babies destroy your body (and mine is enough of a mess already!)

#58 A trip to the grocery store requires strategic packing and planning. A vacation or get away trip out of town? Might very well be easier to strategically plan world peace.

#417 Kids have to go to the bathroom at really inconvenient times.

#36 My vagina is just fine without having the experience of taking sixteen hours to push something the size of a watermelon out of it. Thank you very much.

#572 I would get ragefully jealous of the kid during nap time.

#642 Wearing heels and slinging a baby around don't mix.

#204 I hate people telling me what to do. I would quickly develop homicidal ideation toward anyone who would try to tell me how to parent my own child and it is hard to parent from prison.

#183 I like leisurely mornings of sipping coffee and slowly waking up. I like to be able to meet a friend for a drink last minute. I love staying up late if I want to. I love my free time and my me time.
#338 In my mind, I am still like 17 years old. I am still learning how to take care of myself, let alone another completely dependant being.

#731 I absolutely hate cleaning. I hate picking up after myself and I am pretty clean person to begin with. I can just see myself growing to resent my child for throwing food on the ground, coloring on the wall and leaving their baby crap laying around all the time.

#592 Potty training, potty training, potty training.

#978 Kids will suck the life from your bank account...and your soul.

#819 I love to sleep. I will kill anyone who tries to take it away from me. I don't want to kill my kid.

#263 Marriages take effort and time to maintain. Studies have proven that marriages without children are more satisfying and last longer.

#449 Dear God, have you ever seen Barney, the Wiggles or any other "kid shows?" I've heard of televisions committing suicide after having to play those shows. It's really quite tragic.

#540 The only paraphernalia I want around my house is drug related. I don't want random pacifiers and rattles laying around or accidentally stepping on legos in the middle of the the night on my way to the bathroom.

#285 When you have kids, your car turns into a dirty juice box and crayon graveyard.

#742 Having children is for conformists. I am not a conformist.

Friday, September 9, 2011

TIABM #2 (Things I Abhor Beyond Measure)

There are many things that I love and treasure with pleasure. However, there are also many things that I really can't stand. The following is a list of things that make me want to bunch a baby or worse. Otherwise known as "Things I Abhor Beyond Measure."

* Humidity and muggy weather.
* Waking up to an alarm clock.
* Feeling hungry as I am about to go to sleep.
* The butt sweats.
* Peeling oranges...so much damn work!
* Sleepless nights.
* The feeling of guilt.
* Feeling out of control.
* Being a control freak.
* Letting certain things take control of me.