Saturday, January 7, 2012

A Shout Out To Amish County!

As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, "Amish Paradise," my mom and sister, Samantha both live in Lanesboro, Minnesota. Turns out that this little bloggie of mine has quite the following down in Amish County. Who knew the people of 'lil ole Lanesboro (Population 800ish in the actual town) would actually care enough (and by "care" I mean "feel bad enough for me") about what I have to say to read my blog on a regular basis? My sister and mom both tell me that people talk to them about my blog quite frequently. Seriously. Can we all take a moment of silence for this warming of my heart... Thanks. That felt good. To you beautiful, wonderful, top shelf people, I'd like to say thank you in a very extra special way:

(Me and My Big Ass in Lanesboro, MN - May 2009)
Now! Meet me here and we can all enjoy a little drinkie together!!

May 2009
Photo taken by me.

In case you wonder which one I am when you get there, this should help...

Not me. Just a reference piece.
Thank you again, Lanesboro and surrounding area. Thank you for taking the time to decode my senseless ramblings. In fact, the people of Lanesboro are so smart that I could literally ramble nonsense and they would totally get it. Buffalo Bill gave me a wild ride this year but nothing like that giant trout. Did you get that? Are you from Lanesboro or the surrounding area? Didn't think so. Lanesboro folks? Yep. Represent. Word. That is just one of the many reasons you are my fave. XOXOXO!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Life Story Through Picture Creations, An Inspirational Message.

Thank God my resolution this new year had nothing to do with being more productive because I recently discovered the website (My real resolution will be discussed at a later time when I am in a sappy mood or something). This is incredibly bad news for my time as it now has been completely sucked into a vortex of nonsense. But whatever, I am not going to waste any one's precious time attempting to justify myself. So anyway, I "stumbled upon" the following picture, which I promptly made the wall paper on my computer monitor:

I get a great giggle out of this every time I look at it because it is a totally accurate portrayal of me as a kid. I hated math so much that being a stripper sounded so much easier...I mean, I totally know how to count by ones. However, this is only the beginning of the story. I thought I'd supplement this picture I found with my own picture creations. The following pictures illustrate how the subsequent chapters of my story have unfolded up to the place I currently strive for on a daily basis.

This was me in my bad place. I was lost, confused and had no hope left in my heart. The stripper thing fell through, no one would hire me. Still cant figure out why. Dropped out of welding school on account of not being able to find a helmet thingy big enough to fit my head. Got kicked out of the motorcycle gang for "going soft." Helloooo! You show me one person with a soul who doesn't weep at those ASPCA commercials with all the sad, neglected cats and dogs.  AND to top it all off, they no longer needed me to run the pull tab booth at the VFW on Tuesday nights. It was no wonder that I was completely drunk out of my mind by nine AM everyday. I had hit my bottom. Then, I miraculously found a light to reach toward, a beacon to help guide my way. I had decided to become a nurse.

This is meant to be inspirational and motivational. You see, I used to get tattoos on my boobs and chain smoke Marlboro Reds while singing along to Johnny Cash (love me some Johnny). I used to wear pieces of fabric that covered only my nipples. I used to be a bottle-red head and wear my grandfather's old glasses. 

But now, I am a new person! I cleaned up my act, got a make over and became unstoppably incredible. I switched to smoking "Virginia Slims" and now I eat caviar and Sweet Science Ice Cream for breakfast. I speak in a British accent, call people "Darling" and "retire to the lounge" where I nap in the soft, afternoon sunlight. Not to mention, I am super smart and I wear a cape to work, where I cure every patient I interact with. 

Now, being a psych nurse, I have become quite adept at spotting delusional thinking. Unfortunately, this keen ability is also very applicable to myself. I decided that while I appear quite amazing in my own mind, I realize that I needed to re-orient my thinking to reality. Here is a nice dose of it for all of us who actually bought into the above photo...

But you know what? I learned a very important lesson. There is beauty in reality. Sure, maybe I am strange, quirky and smell a little off. But I know how to find humor in most everything and am the first to laugh at myself. I know how to have a good time in pretty much any situation. I am one of a kind, wonderfully weird and that is cool with me. Because at the end of the day, this is how I feel...

Yay! The End.