Monday, July 30, 2012


There are many things that I love and treasure with pleasure. However, there are also many things that I really can't stand. The following is a list of things that make me want to bunch a baby or worse. Otherwise known as "Things I Abhor Beyond Measure."

* The feeling of anxiety.
* Mean people. They suck.
* Nights of bad sleep.
* Arrogant people who think they know everything.
* When electronics don't work right. My patients for this = zero.
* Feeling lazy and unmotivated when I have a ton of things to do.
* When my cat Muffin escapes.
* Centipedes.
* Anything that smells like artificial vanilla. Gives me an instant headache.
* Worrying about money.

This pic has seemed somehow appropriate for a post about things that piss me off.
Also, it looks delicious.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Reasons To Be Child-free Continued...

People wonder: "How can you do that? I could never do that!" when I tell them I am a psych nurse. I honestly wonder the same thing about people with children. I am not saying that being a parent and being a psych nurse are the same thing (or maybe they are, I guess I wouldn't know! Heee!) but I think there are important qualities parents possess, that I simply do not. But hey, that's OK! I am in total support of having kids. Kids are freaking awesome! I even used to take care of them for a living. Plus, I LOVE my nieces to pieces and am in constant awe of what an incredible mom my sister is. I mean, just look at those two!

As my wedding day draws closer, many people have been asking me the very natural question: "So, when are you going to have kids?" I find peoples responses very interesting when I tell them we are not planning to have children. I have to say that while the responses I've gotten have be varied, my least favorite is the patronizing response, "Oh, you will change your mind. Just give it time." Um, not really. As a matter of fact, the more time that goes by, the less I want to be a parent. What has been by far the most interesting thing is that a few people confessed similar versions of , "I totally understand. Don't get me wrong, I completely adore my kids with all my heart and would take a bullet for them. However, I might have made a different choice given different circumstances." I was surprised by such bold honesty and whats more fascinating is this came from the lips of some of the best parents I know!

I wrote a blog post a while back that explored all of the reasons that it is really best I don't procreate. See for yourself why I would be an unfit mother. In light of the recent questions regarding the future status of my uterus, I have pondered even more reasons why its bright, neon light will be forever illuminated: 

Here is a selection from my continued list of those reasons:      

#229 I nearly cried when a couple told me that they had not been on a date in nine months. NINE MONTHS. That is simply asinine.

#592 While the book Fifty Shades of Grey turned my face fifty shades of blush, lets face it: there is simply not much happening in that department when your kids are growing up - especially when they are under age five. Deal breaker for this chick. It is still a mystery to me how people can have 7, 10 or 12+ kids! Where do you find the time and energy to make those babies???

#724 What happens as soon as those little guys can walk and you take them to Target? Yah, your quick fifteen minute errand turns into an hour long game of "Which clothing rack are they hiding in now?"

#725 Finally finding them and dragging them to the checkout lane while trying to pry candy bars and random toys out of their freakishly strong little fingers. THEN, trying frantically to "Ssssssh!!!" the beast as it screams: "Waaaaah!!!! But I WAAAAAAANT it!!!"

#977 I don't do guilt well and that is what I would feel 24/7, I just know it. I would never feel like I was a good enough parent and I would worry constantly.

#1309 I don't do major pain either. More specifically, severe vaginal pain. Owie, owie, owie!

This would so be me:
"And how many of you are planning on using Toxic Western medications to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort? Anyone?"  - Childbirth Coach
"WOOP WOOP!" -  Angie Ostrowiski
From the movie: Baby Momma Starring, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
Hilarious. Watch it now or watch it again.
#682 Fundraisers. Oh my annoying. The only thing I can imagine sucking worse than being a kid and having to run around asking all your neighbors and family to buy shit so you can go to band camp? Being the parent of that kid. My odd personality and mere existence already irritates my co-workers, family and friends enough as it is. Imagine if I started bombarding them with order forms for over-priced crap they don't need? No one would ever talk to me again.

#257 I don't ever want to hear someone say "Oh no! I am turning into my mother!" in reference to me.

#874 The older I get, the more set in my ways I become and the less I am willing to compromise the things that make me happy or more importantly, the things I need. This applies to all areas of my life.

#1192 I could hear these words coming out of my mouth, "Please pass the parenting handbook. I need to smack my child with it. And then myself."

#439 As I mentioned earlier, I used to take care of kids for a living. All ages - from infants to pre-kindergarten. I loved it and had so much fun but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Some days I would go home and crash after a long shift of chasing those buggers around and using my mental energy to keep them entertained/challenged. Then there is the emotional energy of calming fears and mending boo-boos as well as the all around exhaustion when they were being totally naughty and misbehaving. Let's just say that is not something I'd like to sign up for on a 24/7 basis.

#577 Once you get through early childhood: the diapers, the sleep deprivation, etc. you think you have gotten through the hard part. Then you remember that they will become teenagers.

#132 I have seen the products of parenting gone wrong. I have worked with them in the past and still do - on a daily basis in my career. It isn't a pretty picture at all. It reminds me, that while some things are out of person's control but the fact remains: parents are the number one influence on a child's life. I don't know if I am up for a task that requires that much responsibility.

People who decide to become parents are complete rock stars in my book - well, the ones who actually try to do it to the best of their ability. Y'all work your asses off! Whew, makes me wanna take a nap. And a special shout out to all the single parents out there. Shit. That is all I can say. Honestly, the only way I could think you are any fucking cooler is if you wore this shirt (bonus points apply if you are a man):

As for this gal, I know just wasn't cut out for the parenthood path. I am more than OK with that because I am having a great time blazing my own trail through this crazy life.